1. @mindykaling
Go to sleep in the clothes you wore to work, peel off all your clothes in the middle of the night, wake up cuddling your jeans
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) June 27, 2014
2. @KenJennings
“I got one less problem without you” – Nancy Pelosi’s feelings about Eric Cantor — Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) June 21, 2014
3. @sammyrhodes
No one knows how to find the sweet spot between creepy and friendly like Chick-fil-A employees. — Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) July 8, 2014
4. @OneArmDon
I’m going to stop you right here. Unless you fell off the treadmill and rolled off, no one wants to hear about your workout. — OneArm Don (@OneArmDon) June 29, 2014
5. @trippcrosby
So is an Oprah Chai Tea skinny or not? What year are we talking?
— Tripp Crosby (@trippcrosby) May 29, 2014
6. @rejectedjokes
“Jean-Ralphio on Parks and Rec, Clyde Oberholt on House of Lies, Randy on Randy Cunningham, Performer at the UCB Theatre, Calvin and Hobbes/Simpsons enthusiast.”
How am I expected to trust my gut when at 2am it tells me to eat two slices of pizza, a cupcake and an orange Sunkist?
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) June 28, 2014
7. @notkennyrogers
It’s so hot out today, I’m sweating harder than Florida Georgia Line trying to name a Hank Williams song. — NotKennyRogers (@NotKennyRogers) June 25, 2014
8. @veryvalerie
(Mix of marketing knowledge, wit and inspiration – She is on a mission to be the funniest person you know.)
I just opened WebMD & it said, “calm down, hypochondriac.” — Valerie Uhlir (@VeryValerie) May 12, 2014
9. @capricecrane
The best thing about all the “check-in” apps on social media is they tell us where people are so we know not to go there. — caprice crane (@capricecrane) June 18, 2014
10. @shitmydadsays
“Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad’s in it, don’t worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says ”
“I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That’s a parasite…Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it.”
— Justin (@shitmydadsays) December 4, 2012
11. @jackbox
#RonaldMcDonald got a makeover. #McLifeCrisis?
— Jack in the Box (@JackBox) April 25, 2014
12 & 13. @fit_kev & @cardiobuddy
@Fit_Kev I’m just back from the beach and the Kevin Report goes covert for 24 hours…ah well, enjoy @letour ! — Jim Bitner (@CoachJim1024) July 7, 2014
Are you getting enough sleep? What is your body telling you? In times of high stress, you may need more rest. pic.twitter.com/3I5HDVSEy9
— Daily Health Tip (@CardioBuddy) July 2, 2014
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